Single White Female

Welcome to the wonderful world of online dating.

The first thing you need to do is to get over the stigma attached to this kind of courtship. Finding lady companionship via the interweb is not as creepy as Chris Hansen (Dateline NBC's To Catch a Predator host) leads us to believe.

The pros completely outweigh the cons. Before you proceed you have a chance to get to know a fair bit about your cyber suitor. You can see what they look like and what they like to do, which is quite important when looking for love.

If someone unbecoming tries to garner your attention, you just delete them and they go away. You get to avoid bumping into them while waiting for the ladies room, or having them try and dance all sexy-like up on you (barf).

When you're in love (and you will be), if you're still uncomfortable about releasing the details of where you met; I like to use the old rom/com standard. I was at ________ and we both reached for the same _______ . The rest is history.

If you find yourself on a date with someone all too eager to offer you lemonade whilst they change into a swimsuit, it is probably best to proceed with legal representation.

Being 'On' Online

The Profile.

I guess if you're hot enough you can list 'Dharma and Greg' as your favourite show and still get dates. But, just in case that's not a foolproof plan, heed my advice.

Now is the time to give 'em the old razzle dazzle. The endgame is to have someone so enamored that they contact you; thus giving you the upper hand.

Keep it short and sweet. If I've learned anything from blogging, the average reader will give you approximately 30 seconds of their time. Leave out extraneous details that reveal themselves in other areas of the profile i.e. gender, age, etc. Also, I can tell the colour of your hair or whether you are a self-proclaimed butch or femme from your pic, so leave that out too.

This is your opportunity to make the best first impression you can. You can sit and take as long as you'd like to craft the perfect paragraph. Talk about interesting things. This sounds simple enough, but I have read a fair share of profiles that have left me feeling indifferent.

You should avoid describing yourself as funny or having a sense of humour. If this statement is in fact true, those qualities should be apparent in your witty and charming profile. No funny person describes themselves as funny, that would be redundant.

Some sites prompt you to describe your ideal first date. This is another opportunity to be creative (remember the old razzle dazzle). A less than desirable answer would be something like "whatever we both decide to do." Well, ya. You're probably not going to do something neither of you are interested in.

That whole 'just be you' thing works in the movies but it obviously doesn't work in real life, or you wouldn't be online dating (I'm in the same boat as you, so I know what I'm talking about.) No one is going to meet the amazing 'just you,' if you don't first catch their eye.

Above all things please double check your spelling and grammar. There is nothing that us academic types hate more than reading junk. If you can't take a couple of extra minutes to proofread your profile or run it through a spell/grammar check this is probably not going to work. (Send me your profiles at makemeamatch@live.ca and I'll give 'em a once over.)

I realize this is longer than 30 seconds but I have so much wisdom to give.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Views

The Picture.

Working up enough courage to actually post a picture is something I struggled with. I myself was a pictureless dater for a couple of weeks. During that time I still managed to receive mail. Goes to show want a well written profile can do. Once I posted a picture, my online social life really took off.

To be successful you need to entice people to stop by and read what you have to say; a fantastic picture will help with that. If there is an amazing profile in the woods and no one is there to read it, is it still an amazing profile? Think about it.

One picture is never enough. In this new digital age, there are probably hundreds of pictures of you floating around the internet. You really don't get a good sense of what someone looks like from just one picture.

Again, these pictures give a glimpse into your life. Post pictures that show who you are. If you are zany, put up a zany pic. I would recommend using at least three; a close up, a wider shot, and something fun. The last thing you want someone to think when they see your profile is, "This is the picture they chose?"

Things to avoid:

- Old pictures - I don't really care what you looked like in 2005.

- Webcam- 10 pictures of you sitting in front of your computer is weird.

- Headshots/Modeling Pics - You seriously look like a douche.

Be honest in the pictures you choose. The truth is going to come out and there is nothing worse than not recognizing your date.

How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

The Deal Breakers.

(Let me preface this post by saying, being a snob* is something I've been trying to curb as of late. I think the first step to overcoming these tendencies is realizing that in fact, I am a snob. So, I'm halfway there, right? In my defense, two of my nearest and dearest are huge snobs, and they are some of my most favourite people on the planet.)

Be positive. B-E Positive. B-E P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E.

DO NOT WRITE "I really hate writing about myself." It shows a lack of confidence. No one really likes writing about themselves. Well, I do, but I'm a narcissist. I also find it a little hard to believe that you can't string 5 sentences together.

Adding a laundry list of things you are NOT looking for can be a little off-putting. Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine to be particular. I'm all about being particular, but it needs to be done carefully.

Things that make me crazy:

- Vegans. Oh, vegans. I'm sure you are all lovely people, but your profiles drive me nuts. A person should not be defined by their dietary habits. It's weird. Eggplant gives me heartburn but I tend to keep that to myself. It's fine that you never get to eat anything delicious, and you should be proud of not killing animals, but I don't want to hear about it. I've been a pescetarian (no meat or poultry) for 11 years and that never comes up, until now, but I'm trying to prove a point.

- 'Alot' is actually 'a lot.'

- 'lol' stands for 'laugh out loud' and should not accompany general statements such as, "I like cake" or "I have two hamsters."

- When posting a picture with you and someone else, please identify yourself. Something like 'I'm the one on the left' or 'I'm the blonde' would be ever-so-helpful.

- Posting half-naked pictures of yourself will likely give the impression that you're a slut. So be prepared to be invited to do all sorts of slutty things.

If you can create a profile approved by yours truly, you'll have hoards of ladies banging down your door to whisk you away for awkward conversations in poorly lit bars.

* I'm a snob in best way possible, if that makes any sense.

Dramatis Personæ: Caste Of Characters

The Girls.

In a pool as large as the one you'll find online, you'll be sure to have your choice of single ladies. You can find exactly what you're looking for in all the colours of the big gay rainbow. To help with that, there is a specific system in place to give people a general idea of where they stand in world, from princesses to pauper(ettes).

According to Miss Paula Abdul opposites attract. That has yet to hold true for me; probably because I love myself so much that I'm looking for someone exactly like me. I'm sure if I had a therapist they would have something judgmental to say. I'll have you know my Psych minor and I and I think it's just fine.

I know love sees no socioeconomic status but if you approach the situation realistically you'll get the best results. Things generally tend to run smoother when two people of the same caste hook up. Yes, it's romantic and exciting to date that artist/barista; but if you're a lady that enjoys the finer things in life, a weekend getaway to Provence is probably out of the question.

After the butterflies and all that jazz subside, ultimately compatibility is what is going to keep you together. Be aware that their initial hotness may mask the fact that you are completely wrong for each other. Their "pretty" can only take them so far.

Getting out and trying new things is totally recommended; but you can bring me to all the best hiking trails and have me listen to 'new' country music, but I'm probably not going to dig it, because that stuff sucks, sorry.

I blame cinema for a lot of my romantic misconceptions. Late 80's/early 90's Meg Ryan movies are the cause of my unrealistic expectations of love. "I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." Come on! How can regular people compete with that? They can't. Thanks a lot Nora Ephron.

'Grease' also sends kids the wrong message. Even with all that fun singing and dancing, they were still only compatible when Sandy teased her hair and drastically changed her wardrobe. If you're willing to sacrifice your cotton denim for ridiculous leather, be my guest.

If someone takes two steps forward while you take two steps back... you do the math.

Making Contact

The Pitch.

Imagine you are pitching a show idea or a feature film script. You need to come out guns blazing. You want me to invest in you and I can't do that until I'm completely sold. If studios are willing to spend millions of dollars to make movies like ''The Love Guru," I'm sure you can get someone to buy you a macchiato. 

Some people can receive something like ten messages a day (or so I've heard). You need to stand out amongst those other 9 ladies. Great pictures and a charming profile are not enough if you want me to buy what you're selling. You need to put a little effort into you first message. Even if your profile isn't stellar, this is another opportunity to get their attention.

A simple 'Hey, I think you're cute.' Doesn't fly with me, although it's not a bad start. Pick something interesting from their profile and comment on it, or point out things you have in common. It's not every day that you meet someone who has the original publicity stills from the 1982 'Annie' press kit, for example.

If you can, avoid adding people to instant messenger. That will just prolong the first meeting. I hate talking on the phone, but it is the best way to go about making plans. You accomplish so much more over a five minute phone call than over a week of emails and messages. You also get to hear their voice, thus confirming who they say they are. 

I recommend only a couple of online exchanges before meeting in person. They may seem like 'the one' based on some witty banter and a couple of pictures, but if you meet and there's no connection then all those hilarious, lengthy emails were all for not.

The Bi Bombshell

The Bisexual.

"I date men and women." said the bisexual.

The statement that most gay ladies would rather not hear. 

This bisexual situation is something that I don't think any of my hetero friends ever had to deal with. I personally don't know anyone who has dated the 'sexually fluid.' 

Should it be a big deal? Bisexuals need love too. When that bombshell is dropped I try to handle the situation as diplomatically as possible. I kind of skirt around the issue because I really don't know where I stand.

My more paranoid friends believe that dating a bi girl is the worst scenario ever. Not only is there the chance of her leaving you for a another woman, she could also be lured away by a man.

Question. How soon into the courtship should one profess their bisexual business?

I've encountered two different situations. One was over email and the other was on the first date. The first scenario went better than the latter. Over email I had time to process the info and decide whether or not I wanted to proceed. In person it was more difficult. Lucky for me, I've been faining enthusiasm for disappointing Christmas gifts for as long as I can remember.

I guess in the end, honesty is a policy. Whether or not it's the best policy remains to be seen. Your dating history is going to come up eventually. I may not have contacted this one girl if I knew she dated men and women. We went out a couple of time and that was it. Ultimately, her biness wasn't an issue, her boringness was. 

So, it looks like we're back to square one. To date or not to date a bisexual. I still don't know. If you have a good time together it shouldn't matter whether or not they had a previous penchant for... you know. Ew. 

A Date That Will Live In Infamy

The First Date.

I always know when it's First Date Day because I spend the majority of the day feeling like I'm going to throw up. 

First dates are the worst. People who enjoy them are masochists or they haven't been on enough first dates. However, they are mandatory steps that needs to happen. You don't get to have last nights Szechwan shrimp and a 'The Facts of Life' marathon on a Sunday afternoon without it. 

My standard first date: drinks. Is it highly original? No. Highly practical? Yes. I like a late date. Go out at 9, have a few drinks, call it a night. After a two hour conversation you'll know if this girl is worthy of a picnic in the park. The worst thing is wasting a delicious meal on someone who spends the majority of the night talking about some girl they made out with earlier in the week.

The first date is a super big deal. Bring your 'A' game. Please put a little though into your outfit. (I know what you're thinking. I'm not high maintenance, I just like to look nice. There's a difference.) 

Give people a chance. Too often I make snap judgements and discount them right off the bat. If you went out, had a nice time, and they didn't try and murder you, go out again. Maybe they hate first dates just as much as you do. 

Okay, here's where I sound like your mom: online dating is becoming more prevalent with each passing holiday spent alone; thus ensuring more quality people to choose from. However, there is still a fair share of creeps out there. Always meet at a public place, let someone know where you are going and can you empty the dishwasher?

Good luck!

With that being said, you're on your own now. Remember, if it doesn't work out. Don't worry about it. There will always be better girls out there. I was a little sad when the first girl I went out with blew me off (I know, right?) When I went back online, it was like an awesome bomb exploded, there were so many amazing new girls. Looking back, I'm glad she ended it, I hate being the blower-offer. Now she feels like a jerk and I get to go out with whoever I want. I win. 

Epilogue

So, you're in love. You're welcome. If not, in good time.

If you've tried the online thing a couple of years ago and it didn't pan out, give it another go. In the immortal words of Bob Dylan, "the times they are a-changin'". Every day there are new people joining the bazillions of dating sites that are out there.

This blog has kind of been therapeutic in a way. I've learned a lot about myself.

If anyone is looking to date a narcissistic, judgmental snob I'm your girl.

I'm going to be alone forever. Or am I...

Probably.