How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways

The Deal Breakers.

(Let me preface this post by saying, being a snob* is something I've been trying to curb as of late. I think the first step to overcoming these tendencies is realizing that in fact, I am a snob. So, I'm halfway there, right? In my defense, two of my nearest and dearest are huge snobs, and they are some of my most favourite people on the planet.)

Be positive. B-E Positive. B-E P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E.

DO NOT WRITE "I really hate writing about myself." It shows a lack of confidence. No one really likes writing about themselves. Well, I do, but I'm a narcissist. I also find it a little hard to believe that you can't string 5 sentences together.

Adding a laundry list of things you are NOT looking for can be a little off-putting. Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine to be particular. I'm all about being particular, but it needs to be done carefully.

Things that make me crazy:

- Vegans. Oh, vegans. I'm sure you are all lovely people, but your profiles drive me nuts. A person should not be defined by their dietary habits. It's weird. Eggplant gives me heartburn but I tend to keep that to myself. It's fine that you never get to eat anything delicious, and you should be proud of not killing animals, but I don't want to hear about it. I've been a pescetarian (no meat or poultry) for 11 years and that never comes up, until now, but I'm trying to prove a point.

- 'Alot' is actually 'a lot.'

- 'lol' stands for 'laugh out loud' and should not accompany general statements such as, "I like cake" or "I have two hamsters."

- When posting a picture with you and someone else, please identify yourself. Something like 'I'm the one on the left' or 'I'm the blonde' would be ever-so-helpful.

- Posting half-naked pictures of yourself will likely give the impression that you're a slut. So be prepared to be invited to do all sorts of slutty things.

If you can create a profile approved by yours truly, you'll have hoards of ladies banging down your door to whisk you away for awkward conversations in poorly lit bars.

* I'm a snob in best way possible, if that makes any sense.